An Update on the Annual
Surgical Unit Clinical
Audit Report
Will de Kypia
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…but this year we're going to include an appendix
with unretouched photographs of actual patients.

Before and after shots of the horrific injuries that
the dedicated and talented staff of the Saint Agatha
Trauma Center must confront and conquer every day.

We have several sets of slides to show
you and we will begin with the bestest.

Which documents the reconstruction of a
badly damaged car crash victim by a senior
surgeon who had to push his exceptional skill
set to the max, then venture a bit beyond that.

The salvage procedures to avoid any lower
limb amputation were especially exemplary.

And remarkably successful.

I like to tease so I won't tell you who the
skillfull sawbones is. You'll have to guess.

First slide, please.

These are the multiple gross lacerations soon to be
repaired with stitchery as fine as the needlework
of a sweatshop urchin in a third-world country
sewing soccer balls for a World Cup match.

Wounds that would make
a maggot puke, right?

Next slide.

This after shot reminds me of some old whore’s
baggy twat that's been revirginized, puckered so
taut that it's snugger now than a postulant's snatch.

Note the crisp margins where debridement was
performed. Observe the glistening perfection
of those lovely silken sutures. A work of art.

Unfortunately the procedure's denouement was
less satisfactory than its execution. The patient
failed to survive due to an idiopathic infection.

Though the infection's cause is unknown it was
certainly nosocomial and most likely iatrogenic.

Therefore our legal staff advised…

Following considerable discussion, the audit committee
chose to remove this set of slides from the final report.
Other sets are almost as good and not so problematic.
 
But I think our students should be permitted to see
the set because it demonstrates what extraordinary
heights a master practitioner can sometimes achieve.

Perhaps a few might decide to attempt to attain equal
proficiency in the rewarding field of reconstructive
surgery, the specialization I proudly call my own.

On with the magic picture show.

Next slide.

Next slide, please.

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